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Widowed Friends
Fellow widows know what it's like to lose a spouse; offer prayer, friendships and peer counseling

By Joe Kohn
Of The Michigan Catholic
Published April 8, 2005

METRO AREA — Some people live in a strange world – one that they never fathomed until they arrived there.

A shadow of loss and sorrow is cast permanently on their hearts.

A widow for four-and-a-half years, Lee Hasho (middle) of St. Vincent Ferrer Parish says being involved with Widowed Friends has given her confidence. After being welcomed into Widowed Friends by Shirley Coster (left) and Carol Gizowski a little more than a year ago, she now helps facilitate all-widow grief and loss sessions at her local parish.

Friends and family members, even their own children, often don't know how to speak with them.

And the sense of purpose in their lives they once shared with someone they loved is gone.

Call it the world of widows.

And, for many, this is where they live when their spouses have died.

"They want to ask for help – but they don't know what to do," says Shirley Coster, parishioner at St. Hugo of the Hills in Bloomfield Hills. "People want to help you, but they don't know what to do or say. The children have to go on with their lives. And you're kind of just there. You don't know how to get on with your life."

Shirley knows because she is a widow. So is Mary. So is Pat. So is Ray. And Carol. And Rocco. And Betsy. And so are more than 300 other people who make up Widowed Friends, a fellowship group for widows – women and men of all ages – which is spreading like wildfire across the Archdiocese of Detroit.

The group, which is two-and-a-half years old, offers everything from faith sharing to grief counseling to social activities. It's facilitated mainly through Catholic parishes, though is open to people of all denominations. And its premise is that nobody knows the world of a widow quite like other widows – and even though it's often a sad place, it doesn't have to be lonely.

"When someone loses a spouse, their whole life changes," said Mary Block, who co-founded Widowed Friends in 2002. "They're looking for an outlet for spiritual development, to go through the grieving process and for something on a social basis. This is an opportunity to increase their circle of friends who have gone through the grief for the loss of a spouse."

The faith-based peer ministry has touched the lives of Catholics at many Detroit-area parishes, from Port Huron to Bloomfield Hills to Downriver. And for many widows, Widowed Friends has been life-changing.

Finding hope

For Lee Hasho, Sundays had become way too long. After Mass at St. Vincent Ferrer Parish in the morning, time would crawl. A retired teacher, Hasho would sit quietly inside her Madison Heights home and do her quilting. Or, if the weather was ripe, she'd be working in her yard.

She never did this before.

She never had to.

Instead, she would be up north with her husband on a weekend trip. Or the couple would be at an art institute. Or taking a ride in the country. The place and the activity were secondary – the important thing was that she and her husband of 43 years, David John, were together. David John died suddenly in 2000. And it was on long, lonely Sundays especially, Hasho says, that she felt the "raw pain" of her loss.

"It's your whole world broken apart," she says of having lost her husband. "It's a bomb dropping on everything that you have ever felt was normal. You don't see anything in the future of your life."

Even last year, Hasho was suffering through the weekends. And when a friend told her of a Sunday picnic being held by Widowed Friends, she was at first unsure.

"I went there kind of in blind faith," she says.

What she found were plenty of activities, plenty of people – and the confidence of knowing she was in the same boat as everyone there.

"It was just a very comfortable atmosphere," she says. "They were just so welcoming, and it was a blessing to me."

She went to the picnic alone, but she left knowing that she wasn't.

A year later, Hasho – like many members of Widowed Friends – is actually using her experiences to help others feel welcome. She met Shirley Coster – who herself was married for 42 years – in a peer session to help her deal with the grief of losing David John. Now, she's helping facilitate those sessions at her own parish.

She also takes advantage of the great deal of Sunday Cctivities Widowed Friends offered. And while she knows she won't return to the couple's world she lived in with David John, she's found that there really is another phase to life after a spouse's death.

"Confidence is built up," she said. "That happens as a progression of time, too – but you become more yourself again, more confident."

Hasho even feels comfortable going to the art institute again with some of her new friends.

And to widows who might be suffering from torturously long Sundays like she was just a year ago, she has a message about Widowed Friends activites:

"Don't feel uncomfortable going," she says. "You can just walk in, and I will walk up to you and invite you into the group."

Lots to offer

Indeed, she has a lot to invite widows to.

There's a bi-monthly Mass at St. Columban Church in Birmingham (the geographical center of all the parishes in the archdiocese) that draws about 100 widows and has a social afterward. There are holy hours in various other churches in the archdiocese.

There are all-widow grief and loss classes with peers – quite different from those given at funeral homes. They're for anyone who has lost a spouse, whether it was 15 years ago or five months ago.

There are dinner theatres, luncheons at art museums, movies, golf meetings, Sunday brunches, river cruises and other activities.

Ray Knybel, a widower of two years, participates in a widowed men's fellowship – as well as various events held for both widowed men and women.

"It's something to do – that's one part of it," says Knybel, a parishioner at Guardian Angels Parish in Clawson. "It's also a great way to meet nice people."

There's even a group for young widows, younger than 55 years of age. Betsy, who was widowed when she was in her 40s, says it's helpful to know other parents who are trying to raise families while dealing with the loss of their spouse.

"It's a pretty scary thing to lose your spouse and be raising a family," she says. "Widowed Friends helped me."

Her group, Young Widows, regularly has about 30 active members. They do activities, such as visiting malls or cider mills and get together for discussions.

"It's beyond grief therapy," says Betsy. "We talk about our situation and kids issues and how to do it without (a spouse).

Sometimes, she says, the widows give each other advice. For example, the men might ask how to do the laundry, and women might ask how to do various projects around the house, she says.

"It just gives you a sense of belonging," Betsy says. "It's like, 'Okay, if you can do it, I can do it.'"

For widows of all walks, Widowed Friends has an annual reatreat.

This year, the retreat is April 22-24. Called "Thriving & Surviving on Our Own," organizers say the retreat has been a helpful way for people to help people with their grief, and welcome them to Widowed Friends.

"People who come to the retreat say it's really, really healing," says Block. "We have guest speakers, priests are going to be doing healing services and there's small group sharing and social interaction in the evening."

Filling a need

Block, a parishioner at St. Vincent Ferrer in Madison Heights, says Widowed Friends has tapped a great need in the archdiocese – evidenced by the group's growth from a handful of widows to 339 members in less than three years.

Part of the reason, she says, is that Widowed Friends is a ministry. It's even promoted through the Archdiocese of Detroit's Office for Family Life. Organizers are trying to promote the ministry in as many church bulletins as they can.

"A lot of people feel it's a safe place to go because it's within the Church," Block says.

Pat Rom, who co-founded Widowed Friends with Block, says it's gratifying not only to see the various activities within Widowed Friends, but to know that friendships are formed outside the group.

"It's wonderful to see that some people who had met in the group one day were doing things together, outside the group, the next day," says Rom.

What's more is that many widows who discover Widowed Friends have volunteered their time and talents to make the ministry stronger. There are dozens of volunteers who plan events, write newsletters, facilitate grief sessions and promote Widowed Friends activities.

Participating in the ministry has enriched the lives of dozens who have been introduced to Widowed Friends.

Whatever the level of involvement – and whether someone has been a widow for a year or many years – Block says widows who approach Widowed Friends will be approaching others who understand, first hand, what it means to live in the world of widows.

"It takes time to heal," she says. "But it's what you do with that time that makes the difference."

Thriving & Surviving on our own A retreat for widowed will be held April 22-24 at St. John Center for Youth and Family, 44011 Five Mile Road, Plymouth Township. The retreat will feature a series of speakers, including grief specialist Marilyn Gilbert, PhD; widow and author Ron Gries; and spiritual director Fr. Dick Mevissen. There also will be group sharing and other activities. Cost is $130 to $150. For information, call Fran (248) 851-4031 or Sue (248) 851-4508.