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Home / News & Publications / Michigan Catholic News / 2007 / 'Joy within the tears'

Joe Kohn of The Michigan Catholic
Published December 14, 2007

Erin Drallos | Footprints Photography Jennifer and Ben Abler, and their son Andrew, pose with daughter Emma Grace, who was stillborn on July 9. The Ablers, who learned that Emma likely would not live until or long after her birth because of a rare disease, have been helped through their grief by counselors at Angela Hospice in Livonia.

Livonia — It was back in February that Jennifer and Ben Abler found their family life forever changed.

A young couple who belong to St. James Parish in Novi, the Ablers were four months pregnant with their second child. During a routine checkup, Jennifer's doctor noticed an irregularity with the child's heart — which quickly led to the realization that the child would likely die before birth, or very shortly after.

"The whole world was turned upside down," says Ben about the situation.

Like the Ablers, couples find out every day — often months before their delivery due date — that their child will not live to be born. That's why the Felician-run Angela Hospice, which often helps couples through the loss of a child, has a rare program to help couples who are expecting such children.

"No matter how short this life may be," says Ann-Patrice Foley, a social worker in the hospice's pediatric and prenatal program, "the couple deserves the respect, love, dignity and compassion that we can offer to support this life."

While Angela Hospice for years has offered service to parents who have experienced infant loss, the hospice recently became the only hospice in an initiative called the Perinatal Bereavement Coalition — a network of social workers, nurses and chaplains to help families going through or mourning the loss of a child, whether the child had been born alive or was stillborn.

Prenatal hospice program In 2000, Angela Hospice, a Livonia-based institution facilitated by the Felician sisters, was one of only two hospices in the United States to serve families of children expected to die before or at birth. Prenatal hospice still is a rarity. Angela Hospice is the only hospice now involved in the Perinatal Bereavement Coalition, an organization that aims to build a network of hospice workers, social workers and nurses dedicated to helping families dealing with the terminal illness of a yet-to-be-born child. For information, call (866) 464-7810 www.angelahospice.org/

"It's very, very important that there are people who are able to stand in the presence of grief, and to help people experience the joy within the tears," Foley says.

Such was the case with the Abler family. Already blessed with a now 2-year-old son, Andrew, Ben and Jennifer were told by doctors that their daughter, Emma Grace, who was four months old in Jennifer's womb, would not live. Emma had a disease known as Trisomy 18. Basically, she developed an extra chromosome, which accounted for a number of abnormalities.

It also meant she wouldn't develop physically enough to live.

"I asked the doctor, 'What are the chances of us bringing her home alive?'" says Ben. "And he said zero percent."

When the news came, they saw a social worker at Beaumont Hospital, where Emma had been diagnosed with her disease. Eventually, the Ablers responded to a pamphlet the social worker gave them, letting them know about Angela Hospice's program.

"I wasn't even sure what Angela Hospice was, or what they did," says Jennifer, who called the hospice in April. "Ben said, 'Why are we going?' I said, 'I don't know.'"

What the Ablers did know was that carrying a terminally ill child to term was an act extremely trying emotionally, and laden with difficult decisions.

"Grief begins at diagnosis," explains Foley, who began to counsel to the Ablers.

Through the course of the counseling, Foley helped the Ablers address the oft-dreaded details of what they would go through in giving birth to Emma.

Actions typically associated with joy — buying clothes for the child, talking about the pregnancy with friends and family, and, for Ben, cutting the umbilical cord — were instead laced with agony.

"People won't ask you how you're doing because they don't want you to cry," recalls Jennifer. "But it doesn't mean they don't care."

Through the development of what the hospice calls a birth plan, Foley explains that the Ablers set out with a goal to plan even the littlest details about Emma's birth so there would be no regrets.

And the Ablers say that's exactly what happened.

Jennifer shopped with Andrew to buy Emma a dress to be buried in, and a blanket to put in the casket.

They talked with funeral directors and planned the details of Emma's funeral.

Ben visited cemeteries, and found his daughter's resting place at Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Southfield, near a statue of Christ gathering the children to Himself.

Joe Kohn | The Michigan Catholic Ann-Patrice Foley stands behind Jennifer and Ben Abler. Foley helped the couple and their family through thedifficultdecisions they faced, knowing that theirunborndaughter had a terminal illness.

"There were so many little miracles throughout the whole thing," said Ben. "Given the circumstances, everything worked out the best it possibly could have."

He adds that Angela Hospice not only helped show Jennifer support that friends and family might have been hesitant to show, for fear of disturbing her — the hospice also helped him.

"I don't have that experience either," he says. "A lot of times I'd be trying to support her, but I don't know what to do."

And while the family indeed met with countless tears through the process, they were also able to appreciate the blessings Emma brought into their life.

Jennifer speaks of the time she had shopping with her son, and how Andrew would test the blankets for his baby sister.

Ben, a software developer, tells of how he had a business trip to go on, yet was hesitant to leave Jennifer. He asked his daughter for a sign, "maybe a thumbs up," and the next day an ultrasound showed the little girl giving the gesture — even though babies with Trisomy 18 are supposedly unable to spread their fingers.

The greatest blessing they received, Jennifer says, was the love they felt.

"It was more a recognition of all the love," she says. "Our love for Emma, our love four our family, the love that people who didn't even know us showed for us, the connection with our friends and our family."

And while Foley says her role was a minimal one in the Ablers experience, she's met quickly with disagreement from both Ben and Jennifer.

Jennifer was taken to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak to give birth to Emma on July 9, a day before doctors wished to pursue an induced-birth — which Jennifer had hoped against.

It was early in the morning. Emma's heart had stopped before the birth.

Ben and Jennifer held their child, changed her and dressed her. Nurse Betsy Murphy, also part of the Perinatal Bereavement Coalition, was at the hospital for Emma's birth. Foley was in the waiting room, consoling Jennifer's mother, as the Ablers spent their first moments with their child.

Foley also had helped arrange a plan with photographer Erin Drallos of FootPrints Photography in Clarkston. Drallos took photos of the Abler family, with Jennifer holding Emma.

The days that followed were filled with more of the love and support that Jennifer and Ben so appreciated throughout the pregnancy. Friends and family drove from out of state for a simple graveside service conducted at Holy Sepulchre by St. James pastor Fr. George Charnley, whose counsel and prayers the Ablers also had received during their pregnancy.

"There was such an outpouring of support," Ben says.

Joe Kohn | The Michigan Catholic Jennifer and Ben Abler stand in the hallway of Angela Hospice’s campus in Livonia.

Both he and Jennifer say they have no regrets.

As someone who's helped countless families through the grief of loss, Foley says the Ablers were blessed enough to see the joy through the tears.

"It takes a village, and they took advantage of that village," Foley says. "And Emma has impacted all of us in the village."