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Home  / News & Publications /  Michigan Catholic News / 2008 /  Young Widowed Friends offers trust, relationships with those who understand

by Michelle Samartino special to The Michigan Catholic
Published October 31, 2008

Michelle Samartino | Special to The Michigan Catholic Denise Bachoura and Nick Bianchi, both young widows, each admits to sitting in their car summoning up the nerve to attend their first Young Widows function. Both say it has helped them and it's good to gather with those in their age group who have had a spouse die.

Metro area – Sometimes the hardest step to make toward any renewed journey is the first one.

Denise Bachoura recalls sitting in her car in the parking lot debating to herself the reasons why she should or should not walk into the restaurant. It would be the first time she would attend a Young Widowed Friends meeting.

"I remember sitting in my car for 15 minutes. I thought, 'I can't do this, I can't do this,'" she says. "I sat in my car and I prayed, 'Lord Jesus, please come in with me.' So I grabbed my purse and walked in."

It was the beginning of a renewed life for Bachoura, 46. Her husband of 15 years, Sam, had died of a heart attack when she was only 36, leaving her living in California with two young daughters.

Her initial reaction at her first Young Widowed Friends meeting was one of comfort and happiness. "It was so nice and everyone was so welcoming," recalls Bachoura, a member of St. Joseph Parish, South Lyon. "I felt I had known these people forever. The people are just the sweetest."

After her husband passed away, and with her family in Michigan, she knew it was time to come home. She was uncertain about the future of her family, especially about what to do and how to go about doing it.

"God helped me along the way," she says. "I didn't know what I was doing. He was helping me."

She knew He was by her side. With much work and effort, she was able make it back to Michigan at the right time: "I was here the day before school started, just in time to register the kids. They didn't miss a day of school. He was with me the entire time."

It was a difficult transition for Bachoura, but one that was made easier by her faith and family. "I found a job and then I dove into mommy mode. I worked and concentrated on my kids and career."

At the beginning of this year, with her kids being older now, she felt it was time to make another transition. "It dawned on me this past January that 'Oh my gosh, I'm going to be alone by myself. I have to get out there and make friends.'"

It was in her parish bulletin that she discovered the Young Widowed Friends group. "It sounded interesting. There are so many nice men and women, and we've all become good, close friends. We feel comfortable sharing sad stories. I had no idea it'd be like this."

Her calendar is now filled with days of going out with friends, dinners, game nights and gatherings. "The funny thing is that I feel like I'm a teenager all over again."

"We support each other!"

With about 40 members in the group, Young Widowed Friends, a branch of Widowed Friends, plans activities that are fun and completely enjoyable. Young Widowed Friends activities are open to anyone who is widowed, and 55 or younger of any faith denomination.

She says that because Young Widowed Friends is under the auspice of the Archdiocese of Detroit, "it gives people a good feeling of going to these meetings, to a nice, good group."

Michelle Samartino | Special to The Michigan Catholic Mary Block first organized a retreat for widows and widowers after having been affiliated with groups for divorced, separated and widowed.

"This is really a form of friendship," Bachoura says. "It's a very fun and casual atmosphere. There's no pressure on anybody. Just good, clean fun."

It hasn't taken Bachoura long to "rise through the ranks" within the group. She believes in it so much that she is now a co-coordinator, along with Nick Bianchi, 49, who attended his first meeting just a month after Bachoura.

He honored the first anniversary of the death of his wife, Suzanne, with a Mass in September.

Bianchi, a member of St. Raymond Parish, Detroit, shares a similar story in the difficulty of attending his first Young Widowed Friends meeting in February. "I had seen it in the church paper. I had never heard of it before and my pastor had said something to me about it.

"I was going to attend a dinner and I was nervous as heck," he recalls. "I sat in my car for almost 20 minutes. I almost pulled out twice. I thought it was just too soon."

But Bianchi knew he needed to get out of the house, and finally mustered up the courage to leave his car and go in. "I thought, worst case scenario, I'll get dinner at a nice Italian restaurant and if I don't like it, I'll go home."

Fate has a funny way of showing itself. "I went in and met some of the people who turned out to be a very nice bunch. It's a good organization. It helped to get out and it's nice having somebody to talk to and share feelings with to be able to walk the same road you've walked."

There are still rough days for Bianchi, who was married for 14 years, but feels his pain ease away with each passing day. "Nobody knows how you feel unless they've lost a spouse too," he says wistfully. "They just don't know how it feels."

His two children and four stepchildren see him getting out of the house and meeting new people, and are happy for him. "It keeps my mind off the loss," he says.

He wonders whether there may be other widows sitting in their cars who may be terrified to take that first step through the door. "I've wondered ... a month ago we were supposed to have three new members and only two showed up," he says. "Maybe they don't know what to expect on the other side of the door because they've been married for so long that it's hard to go out and do things.

"I had the hardest time with the littlest things," he says. "I couldn't go to the grocery store for the longest time because of the memories. It's a whole different cup of tea.

"When you lose a spouse so many things trigger your memory and it's hard to overcome those memories and emotions, like watching sunsets and going to the park."

Michelle Samartino | Special to The Michigan Catholic Pat Rom holds a photo of her husband who passed away eight years ago this November.

That's where the group comes in. "It's a pretty fun group," says Bianchi. "We play euchre, dice games and Scrabble, whatever we feel like. We're having fun and we don't think about our troubles. Everybody laughs and jokes."

Talking it out among those who share similar situations and emotions is a tremendous benefit as well. "This is just something that people who are widows and widowers can share because we've been there," he adds. "This is a pretty good organization to help you take the first step in the healing process. You don't want to be alone.

"As time progresses, you realize you're still young and you still have a life — you still have a lot of life to go through."

Pat Rom and Mary Block are both widowers who founded Widowed Friends in 2002. With more than 450 registered members in the group, they say the popularity of the group is because it's faith-based. "We are unique in that we consider Widowed Friends a ministry rather than just another singles group," Block says.

Block adds there is no pressure in joining, but encourages widows and widowers to just think about it.

Rom agrees. "This is a safe environment. People are always saying what a difference this has made in their lives.

"Once people get involved, they talk about how their lives have changed," she says. "You can be as busy as you want. There's something for everybody."