There is no way around it, emotions generally and feelings specifically have a significant impact, in fact have a central and essential role, on the quality of our relationships with those entrusted to our care, for better or worse. A common complaint and frustration that I often hear in my work as a counselor with couples is "I wish that he/she (most often "he") would open up and share more what he/she is feeling"; or "He/she just doesn't get it/try to understand me". A typical response (again, most often from the "he") is "What? …I already told you what I thought/felt"; or a hapless "I just don't get what you are trying to say".  Why this often common pattern of frustration between married (and pre-marriage) couples? Stepping beyond the original source of the disorder and frustration that entered the marital relationship back in the Garden [1], there is often a failure to mutually give and receive, i.e., communicate, in the love language of your beloved.

 

To explain a bit, each person is equipped with five senses, i.e., sensory receivers and senders, which allow one to encounter and interact with reality outside ones self. By way of simple analogy, one cannot receive the "message" of another if they are not tuned into the proper wavelength and channel. Wavelength is akin to one's primary communication mode, i.e., love language, for sending and receiving verbal and non-verbal communications and expressions of love (words, presence, gifts, acts of service, touch). Channel is akin to the specific form, or dialect, which one communicates and expresses, i.e., speaks, love to another [2]. An example may help to elucidate and make this love language stuff concrete.

 

Though both are ways to communicating, how many wives would prefer a bouquet of flowers over having the car washed as an expression of caring and appreciation from their husband? Similarly, how many husbands would prefer words of acknowledgement and admiration for a job well done over a prolonged though loving gaze from their wife?

 

In his book, "The Five Love Languages", Gary Chapman posits that each person has an "emotional love tank" that needs ongoing replenishment to keep the feelings and passion, i.e., fuel, of love alive in a marriage relationship [3]. To neglect to replenish your spouse's "love tank" is at the peril of the long-term quality and welfare of the marriage. Marriages become symptomatic when one or both partners do not feel emotionally supported, validated or connected with their spouse. Chapman proposes that "The key to a long-lasting, loving marriage is to identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language" [3]. In their book, "The Language of Love", authors Smalley and Trent develop the emotional word picture communication technique that "uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person. In so doing, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them." [4] in service of better equipping couples to enhance their mutual emotional and intellectual empathy.   

 

On a similar note, Pope Benedict XVI stated during his 2006 visit to Munich, "Put simply, we are no longer able to hear God–there are too many different frequencies filling our ears", and that as a culture individuals [and couples] are at risk of becoming inundated with the sheer volume and variety of unqualified, unfiltered media "frequencies" that occupy and influence our thoughts. The lack of exclusive time and selectivity of what inputs one is repeatedly exposed to can significantly determine if opportunities for intimate connection are being facilitated, crowded out or simply lost. Teresa Tomeo in her recent book "Noise" offers some insightful observations regarding the damaging effects of media saturation as it "programs" individuals and families according to popular culture [5]. 

 

Nurturing a satisfying closeness with your spouse can hinge on the practical matters of making time, developing technique and creative planning. Here at The Retreat Center at St. John's, we are offering couples in their early years of marriage, the program opportunity for an evening of intimate dialogue by giving each other the gift of time and self – see the "Tables for Two" Dinner under Events for registration information. This evening of candlelight dinner and uninterrupted conversation provides an opportunity to enrich and deepen your relationship with your spouse by providing a structured time of dialogue with one another, lead by a skilled facilitator. The "Tables for Two" evening is specifically geared to enfold three of the love languages as described, i.e., words of affirmation (verbal), quality time (undistracted presence and conversation), and receiving gifts (symbols of love and gift of presence). Consider giving each other the gift of time and presence this upcoming Valentines.