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Managing Your Expectations for One Another

It is those spoken and unspoken expectations that can be a point of unity or conflict with your spouse. Any couple married for a while will recognize how personal expectations have a way of playing themselves out in their relationship. Underlying every expectation is a need fulfillment. The reaction to unmet expectations and the accompanying need or desire ranges in degree of misunderstanding and emotional fall out. If left unattended over time, these unfulfilled, unexpressed expectations can become an increasing source of frustration and emotional discord with your spouse.

How a couple attends to unmet expectations is inevitably a qualitative determinant for marital happiness. The skills based PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) program for marriage enhancement offers four guidelines for managing mutual expectations in your marriage. [1] Couples usually do well who consistently employ all four.

1. Being aware of what you expect.
    
2. Being reasonable in what you expect.
    
3. Being clear about what you expect.
    
4. Being motivated to meet the other's expectations, even when you don't have the same expectations. [2]

Being Aware of What You Expect

In any relationship encounter we carry and express a set of conscious (knowingly expressed), pre-conscious (not consciously tuned into at the time) or sub-conscious (no clue they exist and are being expressed) expectations. It is in our primary, exclusive and intimate marriage relationship that we encounter the full range of our expectations. This does not mean that all expectations are buried in the mysterious black box of our unconscious. However, through repetition and habit we often bypass our conscious awareness of when and how our expectations are being expressed.

The emotional cue of feeling disappointed is often a sign that an underlying expectation has not been met. Feelings of anger, defensiveness, dejection, sadness, blaming can point to disappointment. When these feelings trigger, it is useful to do a bit of self examination and ask yourself what you were expecting or hoping for. This helps to make you aware what you expect. Becoming aware of our expectations creates options in how we can go about negotiating our relationship needs. We do not have to be captive passengers along for the ride of expectations that are left unawares. 

Being Reasonable in What You Expect

Being aware of what you expect does not make that expectation reasonable. Operating out of an unreasonable expectation most often leads to conflict with your spouse. Our expectations have a way of setting criteria by which we evaluate our partner's response to our needs. Unreasonable, unchecked (as in reality check with yourself and your spouse) and/or unaware of expectations will bias our perception and experience of needs being met or unmet. Hold the bar of expectation too high or far away and disappointment and frustration are soon to ensue.

The solution is to first become aware of an unrealistic expectation and challenge it within one's self. Then make adjustments given the origin (personal history, cultural influences, held beliefs and values) and context. Then run it by your spouse and determine what would be a more reasonable, realistic expectation. Responsibility and accountability begins within one self.

Being Clear About What You Expect

We all tend to assume that what works and seems reasonable to us should make sense for our partner. Never assume. Assuming that your spouse intuitively knows or should know what you expect, amounts to expecting your partner to be a mind reader. This is the cause of countless misunderstandings between spouses. Never assume that your spouse knows what you are thinking – you need to clearly express your expectations, needs and desires. At times this will include exploring and discussing the meaning and significance of words in an active listening exchange. This helps to tune into your partner's inner world and assists in developing a shared vision and purpose for your marriage.

In short, you need to be aware of your expectations, willing to evaluate them, and willing to share them with your spouse. This is the best way to give your partner the opportunity to meet your expectations in a mutually satisfying fashion.

Being Motivated to Meet Each Other's Expectations

Early on in most dating and marriage relationships, the motivation to know and meet your partner's expectations comes easily. There is an excitement in learning about and being able to please your partner. Over time, busyness, familiarity and routine can distract and mute your desire to attune to meeting each other's needs. This is common place. However, it does not have to be the norm, nor should it. Every successful and fruitful marriage relationship requires reminders and effort of knowing and creatively seeking to meet your partner's reasonable expectations. Love is a decision and unconditional gift that we make each day in little and big ways.

Managing Your Mutual Expectations in Christ

Pope John Paul II in describing the love of a husband and wife as the primary "communion of persons" recognizes the essential role that "willingness" plays in fulfilling the call of Christian spouses to meet each other's expectations for need fulfillment: "This conjugal communion …that exists between man and woman and is nurtured through the personal willingness of the spouses to share their entire life project, what they have and what they are: For this reason such communion is the fruit and the sign of a profoundly human need."

So as not to let us think that we are capable of attaining such self sacrifice and selfless giving on our own, John Paul II reminds us that "But in the Lord Christ God takes up this human need, confirms it, purifies it and elevates it, leading it to perfection through the sacrament of matrimony: the Holy Spirit who is poured out in the sacramental celebration offers Christian couples the gift of a new communion of love that is the living and real image of that unique unity which makes of the church the indivisible mystical body of the Lord Jesus." [3]

This is the norm that Jesus Christ offers Christian couples. It is through uniting our shortcomings, misgivings, and struggles with the Cross of Christ that Christian couples will experience the power of the Holy Spirit to transform their marriages – "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly". [4] This is God's promise and partnership for sacramental marriage. Now that's exciting!

David Grobbel, L.M.S.W.
Marriage Preparation Coordinator
The Retreat Center at St. John's

1.  Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised, Markman, Howard J. … [et al.], (Jossey-Bass, 2001). 

2.  Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised, pp. 275-295. 

3.  APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO OF POPE JOHN PAUL II ON THE ROLE OF THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY IN THE MODERN WORLD, no.19, given in Rome, at St. Peter's, John Paul II, November 22, 1981. 

4.  John, Chapter 10: 10 (RSV)